I feel like I’m stuck in a cattle chute, and it’s not going to end well. One thing for certain – there’s only one way to go. Will means nothing.
All of my dreams lately have been of things or events coming to an end: Arriving at an art fair just as the exhibitors are packing up their tents. Walking into my own graduation after everyone has already crossed the stage. Running up to a storefront just in time to see them turn the closed sign and lock the doors. Waking up and discovering everybody has gone and I’m alone in an empty concert hall – only a few stagehands packing stage furnishings remain, and they’re oblivious to my presence – they just want to finish and go home.
Is it all coming to an end and I’m either unwitting or unwilling to accept that fact? Are my doors all closed and locked, and opportunities gone?
That’s certainly how it is feeling. I don’t feel right or welcome anywhere I go. I’m constantly bothered by the feeling of being a burden – an extra chore… I am the annoying relative, burdensome neighbor, or that last, unwelcome customer at the end of a busy day.
I don’t know my family anymore.
I’m cold inside and out.
And there is just one way to go:
Through.
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Breath. Pray. Breath. You are not alone. I have been through a divorce and have left this husband once and came back after 2 weeks. A lot of it had to do with the fact I refused to get divorced a second time. I went to counceling, read books, talked to people. Every situation is different. Every bit of information was just that information to be filed away to see if it fit me. Being negative is the easiest route (and I did it, don’t get me wrong) but it makes it harder to go the route you want. I hope you find your way. I miss the fun posts and humor. Good luck.
Thanks, VW… Still working on the praying thing, but at least I’m getting more comfortable in my own skin. Sorta.
My family knows I don’t have all the answers. There are good times and bad times. The only thing I know for sure is that the good follows the bad follows the good, etc. When I am out of ideas or at the end of my rope, I ask for outside help. Such as the appointment with a family counselor next week. Yup. Hang in there. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.