*** UPDATE 12/21 *** : See comments.
First of all, I love you Sweetheart, and I am so, so, so sorry.
Wow. Two and a half years. That’s some well documented misery.
For days, I’ve been stuck with the stifling, chest-ripping sensation that this is the end for us. After reading your “Lurker” posts, I now realize that it’s true. Even if I thought I knew how I could fix this, I don’t feel I have the right to even try. It’s clear I owe you your freedom.
I’m so sad. And I am so very lonely. I wish there was a damn soul I could talk to, but I’m lost.
And I know I have nobody at all to blame but myself.
So here I sit at “The Shrine”, just as you predicted over a year ago. And you and the kids are relieved I’m gone. Y’all can finally get on with your lives and breathe easy for the first time in years… The chandelier has fallen and there’s nothing left for us – our injuries are too great to survive.
Ironically, I found your “Lurker” invitation in my spam filter after I had finished ordering something for your tree… A trifling “peace offering” that I had hoped might be something to break this icy chill. Maybe it will get there by Christmas.
Fuck My Life, indeed.
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Sweetheart, I love you so very much too. And as I said in that email/’secret’ blog, those were some of my darkest moments. Moments I apparently hid all too well from you. But it doesn’t mean that I felt that way all the time. We’ve both experienced a complete drain on our emotional strength…given all we’ve gone through, it’s not surprising. I don’t know of any couple that has gone through as much as we have…one tragedy after another. Boom, boom, boom. It’s taken a far greater toll on us than we realized.
I miss you so much. I want us to find a way through this. I don’t want my ‘freedom’. Freedom to be the most miserable I’ve ever been in my life? But it will take us doing some heavy soul-searching and having a willingness to make serious, permanent changes.
I’m willing to try.
At the very real risk of stepping over the line into something that should be totally none of my business, I’ll make a Christmas wish that the two of you be able to rise above your problems and find love and happiness once again with each other and your family. I wish this because after reading both yours and the Mrs’ blog, I find that we share some commonalities in our family histories (dysfunctions), and it wasn’t too long ago that I was at a similar point in my life that you seem to currently be. And even though things have improved, I sometimes fear that because of the past and some of my reactions (and neglect) that they may not have improved as much as I’ve hoped.
Anyway, enough of my blathering. I honestly do wish for peace and harmony for those who seek it, and even those that need it but may have given up hope finding it. And I hope I’m not being intrusive or presumptuous for commenting about personal business. (Just slap me and tell me to go the hell away if I am).
Now off to my commute from hell back into hell itself.
*chortle* Dave, you aren’t stepping in anything we didn’t leave on our own doorstep! (Get a stick from the bushes, and there’s a garden hose at the corner of the house if you need it.)
Thanks for the well-wishes, they are truly appreciated. I know all y’all have been like horrified patrons in a restaurant watching a couple’s public blow-up. Of course there’s always more to the story than what you witness… Fortunately, things *are* looking better, if not at least significantly less hostile. Inroads have been made – we’re working on getting the paving crew to show. We lost our best mediator when my mom passed. She didn’t just do it for us – that’s the role she played all her life among her four siblings, my half-siblings (whom she raised), her step children, the clucking hens at the law office she worked at for 37 years… Peacemaker – it was her calling.
This has been probably the toughest blow-up / breakdown Mrs. Who and I have had in our married lives together. I do love Mrs. Who with all my heart, and I hope she knows and even more importantly, feels that from me. That’s something I know I have to be much, much better at – demonstrative love. I’m a pro at hiding my emotions. Seriously – you have no idea… I went to a Christmas / retirement party in the midst of all this at a former client’s office, and an old and dear friend who has indeed seen me at my worst said to me, “things must really be going well for you – you look like you’re at such peace!“
Needless to say, my jaw dropped. “You have no idea. I guess I need to take up poker right now!”
I spent days ready to ream you and trying to find the right words because this is not my fight but so reminded me of my own issues. Then I turn around and see the comments. Sigh. I am so happy you are both ready and willing to work at it. I didn’t make it through my first marriage but even when I left my current husband, taking my children with me… we worked it out and have been working on it for years. Marriage is not a bed of roses. Can be on occasion though.
Happiest of holidays!